Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Alive.
So much puke
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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