can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
