Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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