Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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