I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
