saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
