She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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