I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
