Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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