My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I skipped work to stalk him.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
