I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
