we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
