so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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