One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
