i don't plan on having that self control this summer
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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