You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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