Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
