I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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