i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
