She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
