I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
