i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
