i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think i got beer on your cat.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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