Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
