Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
