I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
