i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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