I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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