you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
