I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Please don't give away my fajitas
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
