I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
