You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
