So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
