You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
