1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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