you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she peed on how many people?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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