i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
