I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
