How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
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Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
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I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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