My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
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It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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