Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
