i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
