I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
