apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
it hurts more in the daytime
nutella sex= disaster
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
