also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
