If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
