Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
