So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
