whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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