Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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