Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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