I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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