I hate your face
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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