Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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