What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
