i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
