I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Can I color on your dick again?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
