we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
