Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
