Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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