My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
