I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
