I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
