And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
