You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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